Hellsing's Loser Angel
by IcyWiNgz
Summary: Meh...It seems that Hellsing must recruit one more member. But as they find the newest member, they find out that the person is stupid and not human either. Anyhow, Alucard seems to like the new member but Integral finds it hard.
1. Default Chapter

********************I do not own hellsing or any of it!!! 

******************If only I did, Alucard would be MINE!!! 

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Alucard- Master, it seems to be a little...hot in here. Wouldn't you think? 

Integral- Shut up! I'm trying to concentrate on this paper work! 

***Seras stared at her master and her master's master.*** 

Seras- Always getting yelled at whenever she's annoyed. 

Walter- Hmm...It's better to just leave them alone. 

Seras- I know! I'm not stupid! 

Walter- *To me, you are stupid.* Blondes.... 

((No offense to those that are blonde!!! Gomen!!!)) 

Seras- Rrr...you know, Even I'm not as good as Alucard, I can still read your thoughts!!! 

***Seras jumped on top of Walter and started punching him.*** 

Alucard- Huh? Looks like Seras found her new punching bag. 

***Alucard grinned and turned to his master*** 

Alucard- I'll be going. 

Integral- Fine! Just leave-?! What's this?? 

***Integral was holding up an envelope delivered from the Her Majesty*** 

Alucard- Interesting. 

Seras- What's it for??? 

Walter- Did we do something wrong??? 

***Integral's jaw just hanged down opening wide*** 

Integral- We..Have...to get a..... 

Walter & Seras- GET WHAT??? 

Integral- A new member! 

***Integral threw the envelope down*** 

Integral- A NEW MEMBER??!! WE ALREADY HAVE THE BEST RIGHT NOW!!! 

Alucard- Calm down master, calm down! 

Integral- YOU CALM DOWN YOU FREAKISH D*MN DAWG!!! 

***Seras gasp and Walter did a cheesy pose.*** 

Alucard- Ma-Mas-Master??? What's wrong??? And what did you just called me??? 

Integral- GET OUT!!! NOOOOW!!! 

***Seras, Walter, and Alucard got out of Integral's office*** 

Seras- whew! She blew her casket! 

Alucard- *stares in shock and falls to his knees* Did I just made...my _own_ master mad??? 

Walter- alucard! You always make Integral mad. You just annoy her. 

Seras- I think poor master is really sad now. 

Walter- No! He is a high class vampire who enjoys getting yelled at by his master!!! NO!!! Can't allow this to happen!!! 

***Walter threw his fists down.*** 

Seras- Oh how the greatest ones fall. 

Alucard- *field position* ima good boi...ima good boi...ima good boi... 

Walter- Where's those tweezers when you need them for important time like these??? 

Seras- Oh geez...Let's hope our new member is a girl. 

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I hope you enjoyed that! ((I really don't think they did)) 

I really don't care.. The chara. Might be occ-ish but i'm doing my best!!! 

R&R Plz!!! ^.^ I'd be very happy!! 

Alucard- Am I happy???!! NO!!! 

IcyWiNgZ- Shuddap!! 


	2. Soari Lunas

***I do not own Hellsing or any of it!***

Seras- huh? *looks down* WALTER!!!

Walter- *stabbed in the back* 

Alucard- Can I suck his blood now?

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Alucard- So...why are we at the train station again?

Seras- To..pick up the new member.

Integral- And very fast.

Seras- Huh? Whatta ya mean?

Integral- Nothing.

*Train stops and the doors open*

*Seras holds up a sign saying, "Hellsing:New Member!!!"*

*A young girl hops out.*

?????- Hmm? Hellsing: New Member??

Integral- Are you the new member? It seems we don't have a name because somebody threw it in the fireplace.

Walter- *panics* I am SORRY!!!

Seras- What's your name?

?????- Soari(So-ah-ri) Lonas.

Alucard-Your...SHORT!!! Hahaha! Your like...really SHORT!!!

Soari- *wacks Alucard with a newspaper* Mind your manners!

Seras-Hmm...i might like her!

Walter- But the author said she's was gunna be stupid or somthin!!!

Integral- Would you shut up Walter??

*Alucard is still soar from the wack*

Soari- I'm from Japan but my dad was American so I'm half.

Seras- Interesting!

Walter- How many bags did you bring?! They are all HEAVY!

Soari- A girl's gotta be a girl!

Alucard- Riiight! I'll keep that in mind.

Integral- So anyway, what's your hobbies?

Soari- Hmm...Staying around my temple, buy little charms, cook, and read in the dark.

Seras- Do you wear glasses for that?

Soari- Am I?

Alucard- Hey.

Soari- What?

Alucard- What's you bra size-I -I MEAN! What's your home like?!

Soari- Your gay.

Seras- *sneers*

Alucard- *grumbles* Heeey!!!

Integral & Walter- *Stare and snicker*

Soari- You know, you need a new wardrobe mister!

Alucard- I'm fine the way I am!!! 

Soari- Betcha you can't find a simple girlfriend!

Seras & Walter- *GASP!*

Integral- whatever....

Alucard- Betcha you can't even find a guy when your nineteen and your SHORT!!!

Soari- At least I don't tower other poeple and have a big stupid HAT!!!

*Alucard and Soari fight on for the rest of the car ride*

Seras- Here we are!

Walter- *holds lugguage* Soooo muuuch!!!

Soari- Get use to it. 

Integral- I agree.

Alucard- Who can with you?

Soari- Wanna make somthing of it?

Alucard- You can kiss my a**!

Seras- Here we go! *sigh*

Integral- *gets angry* Rrrrrrr.!!!

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That's it! It's not very good but I guess if I give more thought to it by watching the show again then i'll get inspired. But i'm lazy.

Hmmm...Short people are kinda cool...


	3. Dinner

**I don't own Hellsing or any of it. Too bad though.**

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**Seras- Are you hungry Soari? Walter said that you and Sir Integral will be having for the appetizer is Crostini then the main course will be a Baked Fish Fillets! And guess what?**

**Soari- Whaaaat???**

**Seras- For desert, you guys are having Boston Cream Pie!!!**

**Soari- Umm...Here's the deal: I hate sea food! I'm not a big fan of Boston, and what the heck is a Crostini?!**

**Seras- You should be Lucky to eat that good food! I only have the thirst of medical blood packets!!!**

**Walter- Ummm...maybe this is a bad time to tell you that we're changing the menus.**

**Seras and Soari- Huh?**

**Sir Integral- Enjoy your Pepper Steak. It's the only thing that we have to impress you with.**

**Soari- Sure....**

**Alucard- *snicker* Too bad for you!!!**

**Soari- *glares***

**Seras- *sighs* Dammit...**

**Walter- Now now Alucard. Leave Miss. Lunas alone.**

**Alucard- Don't care! *throws a carrot at Soari***

**Soari- Huh?! Rrr!! *throws more carrots at Alucard* Take that!**

**Seras- Nooooo!!!**

**Sir Integral- Amusing...I guess. I do need a good laugh.**

**Alucard- Hope you like wine! *throws the wine on top of Soari's head* Heehee!**

**Soari- B*tch! *Gets up and punches Alcuard's face* Hope you like that!**

**Alucard- Is that it?**

**Soari- Huh? *blinks* They weren't kidding about having no life!**

**Seras- Duuuh....**

**Walter- ((Maybe this is a good time to retire here a be a male stripper...))**

**Sir Integral- Mmmm...*eats some steak* Not bad.**

**Soari- YOU A STOOPID FREAK~!!!!**

**Alucard- WHAT YOU TALKIN 'BOUT SH*THEAD?!**

**Seras-Noooo!! Please stop it!**

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**Soari- *in her bedroom* Look at this stain!!**

**Seras- You and Alucard need to get along more!**

**Alucard- No way!**

**Soari- *freaks* GET OUT OF HERE!**

**Alucard- Make me!**

**Seras- *sighs* Time to do plan B.**

**Alucard & Soari- Huh? Plan B???**

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**Sowwie this waz short. I was out of ideas right now.**

**I'll write a longer chapter. But no promises! R&R!**

**Flame if ya want!**


	4. Plan B

**Mwahahaha! Da 4th Chappie is now and READY!!!**

**Just remember: I don't own Hellsing or any of it but my made-up ones!!!**

**Walter-Who would've known?**

**Seras-I wouldn't!!!**

**Walter- Yes you would!**

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**Soari- Hey Seras! Where that's stingy Alucard?**

**Seras- Eh? Umm...I think he's with his master.**

**Soari- He....has a master?**

**Seras- It's Sir Integral. I thought you knew.**

**Soari- Ooohh..ok then.**

**______________________________________________________________________**

**Sir Integral- Alucard, you've been very rude to our new member and I need you two to stop fighting. You might just slip.**

**Alucard- It..was her fault!**

***Soari peeks through a crack of a door***

**Soari- (My fault??!!) **

**Alucard- Yes indeed. I wouldn't slip if she didn't keep ranting at me!**

**Soari- OH YEAH?! JUST SO YOU KNOW! It was actually YOU! Who started this mess!**

**Alucard- That isn't true! You know, your such a a big brat!**

**Sir Integral- *rubs her head* Will you two shut up? I'm already getting a headache!**

**Soari & Alucard- Yes ma'am. **

**__________________________________________________________________**

**Alucard- Police Girl, may I ask I you hang around with that worthless human?**

**Seras- What human? **

**Alucard- Soooooooaaaariii.....You know.**

**Seras- Oh her! I just talk to her. I don't "hang" around with her all the time.**

**Walter- *comes in* Seras, Miss. Lunas would like to have a word with with you.**

**Alucard- That's excactly what I'm talkin about!!! **

**Seras- What? Would you just wait here after I'm done talkin!!**

**____________________________________________________________________**

**Soari- Hey Seras, you mention something like "Plan B" What is it??**

**Seras- Ummm...I'll give you a hint: Singing**

**Soari- Singing?! What kind of hint is that???!!!**

**Seras- That's for me to know and you and Alucard to know later.**

**Soari- Later?**

**Seras- I gotta get back to Alucard now! See ya!**

**Soari- Singing......well, it might include a microphone. But what if we might! Naww...**

**_________________________________________________________________**

**Alucard- Police Girl, would you mind tellin me what "Plan B" was?**

**Seras- Ummm...you don't mind if I give you a hint.**

**Alucard- Your playin with me.**

**Seras- Uh-huh! Hint: Lyrics**

**Alucard- Lyrics???!!!**

**Seras- Hope that helps!**

**Alucard- Wait! You gotta tell me more than that!!!**

**Walter- *coughkarokecough!* Didja catch that? **

**Alucard- What?**

**Walter- Oh never mind...creep.**

**___________________________________________________________________**

**Soari- *walking around* Mmmmm...I wonder what singing might be.....**

**Alucard- The hell does lyrics mean?**

***Soari and Alucard are face to face without notice.***

**Soari & Alucard- What does it mean?**

***looks up at eachother***

**Soari- Huh?**

**Alucard- Uhh...**

**Soari- *kicks Alucard* Why are you following me?! Are you some rapist or what?!**

**Alucard- Hey hey! What gives you the right to kick me?**

**Soari- FREAK!!**

**Alucard- SHORTY!!!**

***Soari and Alucard glare at eachother for like....15 minutes***

**Walter- Soari & Alucard, you guys are needed. It seems that a little market down town is being attacked!**

**Soari- I ain't goin no where with this scrap!**

**Alucard- And I ain't fightin along with this tramp!**

***Soari and Alucard glare at eachother more***

**Walter- *sighs...* **

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**I can't see tell if this longer than the other one before! I guess my chapters will be short I guess.**

**Mah!**

**Alucard- That's my line!**

**Soari- D*mmit! That's MINE!**

**Paladin Alexander Andersong- Will you two just SHUUUUUT UP?!**

**O.O;; Oh well.........**

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	5. Camui Gackt

**Taa-daa! My fifth chappie of Hellsing!!!**

**Mwhahahaha! *stops* I'm sad...Gackt's friend died! Now I must feel sorry.**

**But I'm not sure why!!! So this news gave me idea. **

**I do not own Hellsing or Gackt himself!!! Now I feel kinda happy...**

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**Soari: Hmmm........*listens to Gackt cd, Rebirth* His voice is amazing....**

**Alucard: Who's voice is so amazing?**

**Soari: Huh? *Fire Eyes!* GET OUT!!!!!!!!**

**Alucard: I'm a vampire. Did you forget?**

**Soari: No. But I'm better looking than you and so is Gackt! So get out!**

**Alucard: Obviously, our two opinions on beauty are very different. **

**Soari: *stares* Go away...**

****

***Seras was walking alone on the dark hallway looking for Sir Integral's office***

****

**Seras: Sir Integral, I heard something went wrong at the airport. **

**Sir Integral: Did you forget to knock on my door? Again...?**

**Seras: I'm sorry! I just-I wasn't...thinking......**

**Sir Integral: Yes, You are very proficient at that. **

**Seras: What...happen?**

**Sir Integral: Nothing really. Just a really slow FREAK, one survivor.**

**Seras: What? What did you say?**

**Sir Integral:What part of that statement did you not understand?**

****

***Soari comes running in***

**Soari: Sir Integral!**

**Sir Integral: What do you want? Go away you brat. I'm busy.**

**Soari: No! You tell Alucard to shut his big mouth or else! He won't leave my poor Camui Gackt alone!**

**Sir Integral: Camui Gackt? **

**Soari: YES! Tell him!**

**Alucard: *appears through the wall* All I was trying to say was that his face were painful to my sensitive eyes.**

**Soari: LIAR! *stomps* INTEGRAL!!**

**Sir Intergral: Camui Gackt, is the one survivor. **

**Soari&Seras: WHAT?! **

**Seras: You mean that weirdo? That guy who seems to bleach his hair as often as I change my underwear!**

**Soari: What?! *turns to Seras* How dare you! **

**Alucard: I'll be going. Seras is doing all the talking for me. **

**Seras: Seriously! He seems to bleach his hair, than highlight it, that spike it! Doesn't he make up his mind? **

**Sir Integral: *glares* Walter!**

**_____________________________________**

****

***Sir Integral, Walter, Seras, and Soari went to pick Gackt from where's he at***

****

**Gackt: *sighs* I feel so unlucky right now...**

**Sir Integral: Hmm? Are you Camui Gackt?**

**Gackt: *looks up* Yes.**

**Sir Integral: Come with me. **

***Gackt followed Sir Integral to meet the others***

**Sir Integral: This is a few of the Hellsing Members.**

**Gackt: Hello. *puts his hand out***

**Soari: Hiii! I'm Soari Lunas! I'm one of your biggest Dears!!!**

**Seras:Soari! Calm down! Sir Integral going to get angry!**

**Walter: Hello there Camui Gackt. I'm Walter Dollneaz. (((I can't remember how spell his last name)))**

**Gackt: Nice to meet you.**

****

***shakes hands***

****

**Soari: Mr. Camui Gackt sir! I heard that you came to London solo so you can get to be lonely. That's a bad idea. There's vampires out here and there!!!**

**Gackt: Eh..*looks at Sir Integral* I'd think I'd be more safe now that I have one of my biggest Dears with me.**

**Soari: Really?! *jumps around***

**Seras: That's it! We are going to do Karoke!**

**Soari,Gackt,Walter: What? Karoke?**

**Sir Integral: I WILL NOT ALOUD THAT IN THE HELLSING MANSION!!**

**_______________________________________________________________________**

****

**Soari: *singing* Aaaand myyyy heeeaaart wiiiilll gooooo oooooonnn!!!**

**Sir Integral: *another room* I can't believe I let them.**

**Alucard: Too bad. *laughs abit* I'm going to see this Gackt myself. Excuse me.**

**Gackt: *hears something* Huh? What..was that? I'm just tired. *scratches his head* **

**Seras: *singing also* Thhaaat iisss hooow Iiii meeet youuuuu....**

**Alucard: *apppears right behind Gackt* Hello there.**

**Gackt: *gets a chill and turns around* What? **

**Alucard: *grin evily* Are you Camui Gackt?**

**Gackt: Your...a vampire? **

**Alucard: Indeed. So tell me. What's your blood type?**

**Soari: *turns her head* ALUCARD! Get away from him! Your scaring him!**

**Seras: *throws Alucard a microphone* Come join in!**

**Alucard: I do not do these human-**

**Gackt: *takes Alucard's hat away* This is some hat you got here.**

**Alucard: *stares* Mind if I have it back?**

**Walter: Oh look! They're already getting along! **

**Sir Integral: Surely...**

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**Mah...I'm too lazy to say anything...But I finish! I'm trying though, to make Alucard more himself like in the anime. But I'm not that good! ^.^;; R&R!! Flames would help too!**


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